Dad Jokes
 

A Roman walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”

The bartender says “you mean a martini?”

The Roman replies “no, if I wanted a double I would have asked for one.”


Be kind to dentists. They have fillings too, you know.

All the toilets in the NYPD headquarters have been stolen. The police apparently have nothing to go on.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was really just a play on words.

Why did the can crusher quit her job? It was soda-pressing.

What do you call a broken can opener? A can’t opener.

Why do people love switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus. Unlike Canada’s, which I could take or leaf.

Becoming vegetarian was a huge missed steak.

I was was going to tell a joke about a dead parrot, but it was way too Macawbre.

How do trees feel in the Spring? Releaved.

Why do defense lawyers go out for Mexican food when they’re feeling down? To get some case-ideas!

Did you hear about the sale on paddles? It was quite the oar-deal.

If a Wizard uses magic to hold up a camera and take a picture of himself, is that a Spellfie?

Did you hear that the Devil is going bald? Yeah, there’s gonna be hell toupee.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands. (Sorry, but that joke never grows old).

What language do bridges speak? Span-ish.

If a kid won’t take a nap, is that “resisting a rest”?

What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadabrador Retriever.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three, the right, the left, and the final front ear.

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